A look at suffering - Part 1

A look at suffering - Part 1

Welcome to my very first blog entry! It's a three-parter; the rest will follow tomorrow and the day after. Today I am going to take a look at something that we all go through at some stage or other in our lives.

Suffering and self-created misery.

It is something we all go through, countless times; until something happens for us to say, “This is enough. It's time to end this vicious cycle of madness”. As the world has recently been going social media crazy with their various “Happy New Year!” posts and New Year's Resolutions, I had not been sharing much of the same sentiment – and yet I too have resolved to better myself. The New Year's part was just coincidental timing. :P

Lately, I've been feeling like a bad yogi, or rather it's just that I feel like a bad person. Yoga has nothing to do with it... Or does it? I feel like since I've qualified to teach yoga, I'm supposed to handle life's trials and tribulations better than others (but really, what makes me superior to anyone else?). I've been taught these wonderful tools, yet I I feel helpless.

Some days, I feel like a complete waste of time, space, matter, energy. I question my purpose for being here, who I really am and where I'm supposed to go. There seems to be no hope, no direction. Nothing, but a deep pit of misery, failure and despair. The ego loves to feed on negativity, generating more and more of the horrid stuff, creating a vicious cycle. However, this does nothing to resolve the problems rooted deeply within and can lead to bigger problems such as depression, or merely making the rest of our lives that much more difficult. Do we always need to fight and struggle?

EVERYBODY deals with suffering, yet so often, it feels like we are alone in this void. Yet we all feel the same pain. The pain that I feel at these low times is no less real than the pain that anyone else feels. This is something that connects us to one another.

At times, I feel like I have completely failed as a human being. I am rude and inconsiderate to those close to me. I lose my temper and say things I shouldn't. I hurt others and push people away - and then I wonder why I feel so alone. Oh, the irony!

Other times, I completely lose sense of logic and jump out the window of a moving vehicle. (Actually I was thinking that if I'm scared to do something, then I should just get out there and do it! Jumping out the window was just the first thing that popped into my head). True story. Not exactly the best way to start 2015, but hey. It happens. Life happens and we have to deal with it. Sometimes it is in the form of a dramatic wake up call - thank you, Universe, for stopping me before I did something REALLY crazy.

However, we have to... no! need to learn to accept and embrace these imperfections if we want to ever get out of the pit of doom. Experiencing these emotions (sadness, pain, anger, frustration, despair, grief etc) is part of being human, and it is OK to feel them. Life is not all roses and sunshine. Indeed the lack of sunshine causes one to appreciate it when it does come out from behind the clouds again.

Waking up later that morning of 1st January 2015, memory kicked in and reality came crashing down... I felt like returning to sleep; to that comforting, safe space where the events of the early morning had not taken place. Perhaps the lingering traces of alcohol in my system had something to do with the beckoning call of sleep as well...

Shame, self-pity, guilt and even self-hatred soon followed; I realised the extent of the damage done as well as the potential consequences of my impulsive actions. Luckily, the universe had chosen to smile down upon me in a potentially dangerous situation. As our situations change, so too we need to learn to adapt to fit in with our surroundings. Sometimes the adaption can be a little bumpy as we struggle to relinquish the ego and to let go of our previous comfort zones. It can be as scary as hell to jump into the unknown.

Here in the United Arab Emirates, the rules are different. The way of life is different. I cannot just do as I please. A fact that applies not only to living in a foreign country, but also to my personal relationship. Being newly married and living together has its' own set of challenges. Potentially threatening my partner's job and residence does not particularly help. After a while of feeling sorry for myself, I decided that it was time to change my perspective. If I didn't want to repeat these kinds of events, something would have to change. And that, would be me.

Perhaps this incident is one of the best things that could have happened, mere hours into 2015. Painful lessons tend to leave their mark. Not only physically, in this case, a string of colourful bruises down my one leg; but also mentally, spiritually and emotionally. Indeed, the bruises have almost disappeared, yet served as a wonderful visual reminder for the following few days.

If I am going to be completely honest with myself (or try to be, at any rate), when I refelct upon my thoughts and emotions, words and actions, I sometimes feel guilt and shame. I feel this way because I think that my emotions are unjustified. I have not had as a traumatic experience as many others have. I haven't had to deal with war, the death of someone very close to me, with a life changing disease or accident. I have no mental or physical disabilities. I have my family and friends and although they are far away, I am able to contact them. I am safe and I am provided for (although this tweaks my independant streak). I don't really have anything to complain about, but I will still blame myself (and anyone else that I can "justly" blame. However, it is OK to feel this way. It is a stage that I am going through, and it too, shall pass.

Our actions always have consequences, yet often, we act without thinking and are then faced with the difficulties of dealing with these so-called ”unforeseen consequences”. The trick is to learn how to forgive ourselves, to be more gentle and to begin loving these imperfect selves, for deep down, we are all beautiful, loving beings.

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