LETTING GO OF CONTROL, AND SUBMITTING
- leilak73
- Jan 19, 2015
- 5 min read
LETTING GO OF CONTROL, AND SUBMITTING
The past few days, my yoga practice has been difficult. Non-existant, in fact. Some insurmountable mental block stood firmly between my mat and myself. Although I knew that I would feel better after practising, I just couldn't begin to get started. I made all sorts of excuses to avoid it. I was supposed to be writing, or making up a class every day as well. Instead, I meditated, and then took a nap. (I guess I didn't completely neglect my practice, seeing as I meditated. That's still a part of yoga, right?!)
In hindsight, my problem was my attitude towards myself. Because I was aiming to practice yoga or exercise daily, yet I was failing to do so, I was blaming myself quite harshly. My body felt horrible to be in. It was a couple of “fat days”. I don't think that guys have “fat days”. The lucky buggers. They can eat whatever they want and do (or don't do) whatever they want and have no second thoughts about how they feel in their bodies. Of course, I'm generalising. I'm sure there are a couple of guys out there that do have second thoughts, but they do not form the majority, in my experience.
A few days ago, I was talking to a new friend here. She is a couple of months pregnant. We were talking about this body image/eating thing. She said that she really likes being pregnant, because she can (and does) eat whatever she wants and has no guilty/shameful feelings about it, because you're going to gain weight anyway, right? So you might as well enjoy it whilst it lasts! Plus, if you go the breast-feeding route, you tend to shed the weight afterwards pretty easily.
Good point! But I'm not in a hurry to get pregnant. Perhaps ever. But the point that did stick is the attitude towards oneself. If I eat something that is “bad” for me, and I don't create any negative associations with the moment, I shouldn't feel bad about my body, or being in it. Yes, my body is a temple, and I should be mindful of what I put into it. However, toxic thoughts can be more damaging than something I'm trying to avoid consuming.
So! Last night, after a very yummy and satisfying meal of steamed veggies and boiled eggs, there was a beer. Maybe two. Ok, ok, two and a half. AND there were some sort of potato masala chips, similar to prawn crackers. No doubt, loaded with preservatives, colouring and falvouring. Oh well.
Then this morning, I thought to myself, “Hell, why not watch an episode of anime before I do anything else?” Admittedly, I had already meditated, albeit with an agitated and distracted mindframe. Sometimes meditating is like that. And so, armed with a pot of rooibos tea, I immersed myself in said anime. After that, I surprised myself, and went for a run!
Surprises of surprises, it was raining. Now, rain may not seem like that much of a big deal for most parts of the world. But this is Abu Dhabi, home of desert sand, camels, Arabs, many buildings, vehicles...and oil. The point being, that it's rain in the desert.... yay!!!! I felt a large, satisfied smile creeping onto my face as my legs began pumping.
I felt incredibly lucky to be experiencing such rare weather. To be fair, it wasn't like a thunderstorm, with rain and wind lashing down, nor did it look as empty of civilisation as in the picture above. Oh no, it was more of a finer drizzle, and "home" is the picture on the right - on a normal, sunny day. Still, it was like.. well, like an oasis in the desert. As I continued my jog, occasionally slipping in the muddy sand, I really felt happy in my body. Whether it was the physical action of pumping out toxins in both body and mind, or it was the rain that washed away my blocked energy, (or the combination of the two!) I am grateful. I didn't even mind the constant line of cars zooming by, a metre or two away.
A few hours later, returning home from running some errands (in a car), I spontaneously decided to do some stretches to ease my muscles. I always seem to have tight hip muscles, namely the piriformis and the hip flexors (illiacus and psoas major, commonly referred to as the iliopsoas), which get tighter after a run.
Once again, I surprised myself. Normally, I have some crazy objection to doing yoga with anyone around. Unless it is in a studio, or if I'm teaching someone. But my own personal practice? No way!! I need privacy, peace and quiet!
Without any thoughts about that, I began to stretch out on the bed. Of all places. I've never done yoga before on the bed! Still, it's a fairly hard mattress, and queen sized to boot. I used it. I stretched, without any intention of actually doing yoga. My husband sat a couple of metres away and ...did whatever he did. There was music playing, I know that much. He came over a couple of times and gave the odd muscle group a rub every now and again. Absolute agonising bliss when I got a hip/butt massage whilst in pigeon. Hmm, maybe there's something to doing yoga in the presence of others... particularly my significant other...
Somehow, those few stretches to ease my hips turned into an hour and fifteen minutes of yoga. No focus on following a set lesson, or the breath or being mindful. Merely doing what felt good, what came naturally. Holding some postures for half a minute; others for several minutes. Hmm, I'm reminded of yin yoga. Quieting, cooling, letting the stretch get down to the deeper tissues. Not every yoga session has to be a vigorous workout, an intense detoxification.
Relaxing. Not pushing myself to the edge. Listening to the body. Hmm. Isn't that what yoga is about? My mind drifted to several topics throughout the practice, and I tried not to attach to any of them, but to be aware of them. There were no admonishments, no harshness. Maybe this would make for a good blog topic! Maybe this is my inspiration! It turned out to be a really good session, and it even happened in the presence of another.
Instead of seeking desperately, I relaxed, indulged and let things happen in their own order. There is no need to be in control of everything, nor to get upset when things occur beyond my control. This is something that I need to remind myself of, constantly. One day, it will fully sink in. Letting go of our own preconceptions, our own rules, can be quite refreshing. As fresh as rain in the desert, in fact.
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